I was staring at the sky tonight.
I was staring out into the infinite blue darkness and I found myself thinking about how easy it is to lose oneself in the world–to disappear and become lost in the minds and hearts of those you love so dearly–and then I noticed the stars.
Each one representing something so much larger than this one moment that I was occupying. It’s just a moment, right?
It’s just pain.
My brain is full. I don’t have the words to describe how I felt (how I feel?), but I have the colors.
A steely bluish grey. Heavy, like a rain cloud about to burst.
I thought I’d already broken, though. I thought I was past this one particular storm. I thought I knew how to live in the grey mists of these storms. I thought I’d found my way around it all.
Perhaps I was wrong.
It is summer in South GA. It rains like clockwork here. Why should my life be any different?
And do I really want these storms to end?
I was having a chat with a friend the other day and we were talking about how difficult it is to let go of people or things at times. That we put ourselves in situations where it seems like we are only hurting ourselves–the most logical thing is to walk away. I have put myself into this position so many times and I often look back and see where I should have left sooner, but years on I realize that I always leave at the perfect time.
So perhaps this is not a storm?
Perhaps it is merely a sun shower, and that is the most delightful type of weather to me. It is like crying happy tears. It feels wrong, and it is still quite heavy, but there is a beauty in it.
When my eyes are closed it seems like any other storm, but when I open them…then I see the beauty.
Maybe what I’m feeling isn’t a heavy bluish grey at all, maybe it’s the watery yellows of the storm as it passes?
Only time will tell.